The family jewels

I’ve been building a Pandora charm bracelet for Gina a few beads at a time, and I wanted to buy her a couple more as part of her Easter present. We’ve transformed into last-minute shoppers since Ryan came along, and Easter was just around the corner with nary a bead in sight. So on Holy Thursday I decided it was time to hit the jewelry store.

Gina marked up a Pandora catalog with all of her bead selections, and my mission was to sneak it out without her noticing. The problem was I had to take it with me on my way to work, and Gina was between me and the door giving Ryan his bottle. My sleep-deprived mind struggled with ways to smuggle the catalog out. I held it in my hands, mulling my options. It was relatively small. So I did the first thing that came to mind.

I put it down the front of my pants.

Gina was on the couch with Ryan in the living room. I walked by briskly but nonchalantly. Surely she wouldn’t notice. Gina’s eyebrows raised a notch.

“Come here a minute,” she said.

Blast! She notices everything.

“Do you have something in your pants?”

Now, normally I would take the time to appreciate such a loaded question. But I kept on walking by and ducked into the kitchen.

“What?” I said, feigning surprise as I slipped out the book. I placed it on the countertop and reported to my wife.

“It looked you had an envelope or something in your pants.”

I tried to give Gina the kind of look that would convey “you’re crazy,” ignoring the fact that I had been looking pretty flat up front.

“No,” I bluffed, kissing her forehead as Ryan finished his bottle. Gina darted her eyes toward my crotch and seemed to be satisfied.

On Easter Sunday I gave Gina two new Pandora beads.

“Thanks, honey,” my observant wife said.

“A funny story about those. . .”